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Grumpier Old Men

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:01 am 
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Location: Gods Waiting Room
Right, this will be a long serious rant and I will pour my heart and sould across this board, but I need some advice.

What do you do with a fat, lazy, useless wife?

Background.

I've been married to Mrs OH for 18 years. Eleven years ago, she announced she was up the duff, and to cut a long story short, we are now landed with four children, three of whom were born in a year (don't ask).

I was a caring, nuturing father. I insisted that my wife did nothing but look after four babies so that I could sleep at least, whilst working 18 hours a day to pay for this all.

The children have now grown and can pretty much stand on their own two feet (11,8,8,8), yet NOTHING has changed.

She doesn't work, spends a bastard fortune in Next, doesn't know what a hoover, cooker, iron, broom or a bottle of toilet bleach is. A result of all of this inactivity has meant that she has inflated to the size of a sperm whale and the Post Office have issued her arse with it's own postcode. I tried withdrawing my "husbandly duties" but this resulted in huge bills from Ann Summers for diesel powered joy sticks (happily paid mind, I have never had a penchent for humping infaltable rubber dinghies).

How do I get this useless bulk do actually DO anything? Her impersonation of getting the shopping in is to drive a brand new gas guzzling MPV (paid for by me) to the furthest Tescos she can find to buy a pint of milk, a loaf of bread, a gross of Galaxy bars and twelve copies of Best magazine. Every day.

I shop, cook, clean, iron and hoover AND CLEAN TOILETS. As well as drive 200 miles a day to work and back, spend at least ten hours a day in the office to finance all this crap. And I have to drive on the M25, which MUST count for something in Gods Great Plan.

I'd divorce the cow, but I'll end up living in Student accomodation with bugger all whilst she strips my pay packet of anything worth having, raises my kids in a huge house (paid for by me) so filthy and dishevelled that Palestinians would turn their noses up at it and die a bitter and twisted old fart.

So gentlemen, thinking caps on. I need to sort this before I spend 20 years of my life at her majestys pleasure for stabbing a whale.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:06 am 
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Location: Portsmouth
Go for it no Court in the land would convict you. I'm starting to make my "Free Old Holborn" banner now but I'll have to watch out for the peasans queuing up for gratis baccy.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:07 am 
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Location: cornwall
My advice would be simple. Just encourage her to walk a mere 3 miles every day and I can promise in just 1 week she will be 21 miles away.

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:08 am 
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My advice would be simple. Just encourage her to walk a mere 3 miles every day and I can promise in just 1 week she will be 21 miles away.

Sorry I appear to have entered this twice.

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What's that all about ??????


Last edited by Black cloud on Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:08 am 
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Location: Berkshire (the original one)
Hmmm. . . tricky.

It does explain your above average quality of grumpiness and I am sure many of us can recognise the problems.

I have some Japanese friends if you wanted to get her to have a swim somewhere.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:11 am 
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go buy a Thai bride and she can be your resident cleaner and something to do when you are bored. that way you have a clean home- somthing to look forward to coming home to and she'd be cheaper than a divorce. The fat wife can suit herself- yeah she'll be spending your money, but you'll have a fit Thai bride. :wink:

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:14 am 
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mrk wrote:
go buy a Thai bride and she can be your resident cleaner and something to do when you are bored. that way you have a clean home- somthing to look forward to coming home to and she'd be cheaper than a divorce. The fat wife can suit herself- yeah she'll be spending your money, but you'll have a fit Thai bride. :wink:


Thai women have a gift for turning into toothless, scrawney, nagging harridens twelve months after purchase. Still, it's a thought.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:16 am 
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Location: Berkshire (the original one)
Old Holborn wrote:
mrk wrote:
go buy a Thai bride and she can be your resident cleaner and something to do when you are bored. that way you have a clean home- somthing to look forward to coming home to and she'd be cheaper than a divorce. The fat wife can suit herself- yeah she'll be spending your money, but you'll have a fit Thai bride. :wink:


Thai women have a gift for turning into toothless, scrawney, nagging harridens twelve months after purchase. Still, it's a thought.


You could get one from Dixons with extended warranty.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:17 am 
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Location: Somewhere in Kent
Just change where your salary goes and cancel the credit cards. If she gets narky tell her it's the banks fault. The money saved will enable you to afford a really really good lawyer.

Has she any idea where the electricity mains switch is? Turn the house off and see how quickly she gets bored and goes out.

Or you could tell Next she's been shop lifting and get her barred...

Sell the car and don't tell her? Fake amnesia and move? Pay the kids to play up and annoy the hell out of her? Get into a feud with her family? Tell the neighbours she's joined the BNP?

Or you could just find an illegal immigrant to bump her off.

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:19 am 
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Location: In blisfull ignorance of all the wrongs being inflicted upon me...
2 options:

1) Insure and kill

2) Secretly sell all assets and do a Reggie Perrin

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:23 am 
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Location: Gods Waiting Room
I'm putting her car up for sale (my name on the log book). Anybody interested in Kia Sedona (2003), fully loaded woith everything, leather, aircon, TV/DVD (yes, really!).?

I had it back at the garage last month. It kept losing water and nobody knew where. The garage reckoned it was sweating everytime my wife got in it. I agreed. They fitted a new engine no questions asked (it had only done 10,000 miles) after seeing my wife waddle over to reception.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:25 am 
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Location: In blisfull ignorance of all the wrongs being inflicted upon me...
You paid money for a Kia?

YOU DO NEED HELP!

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:27 am 
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1. Bite the bullet.

You'd be skint, but happy.

2. This involves a lengthy course of undetectable slow poisoning.

3. Slap her around a bit and force her to shed the lard. Would she be woth a doin if she lost all that weight?


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:28 am 
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Get this. Even after fitting reversing sensors because I don't trust her necks ability to actually turn more than 30 degrees, she still managed to hit MY car on my own Fecking drive.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:31 am 
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jacobmarleysonofbob wrote:
3. Slap her around a bit and force her to shed the lard. Would she be woth a doin if she lost all that weight?


Most things are worth doing if they are a size ten or less. Small objects are starting to take up geostationary orbit around her. She is beginning to generate her own gravitational field.


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