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Grumpier Old Men

"I don't believe it !" - Victor M.
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 Post subject: Re: Boundah Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Nov 19, 2019 6:09 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 26, 2004
Posts: 3313
Location: At the cutting edge of cocking about
The Barman said to me, "Why are you looking so sad?"
I said, "The wife and I had a massive row and she said that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
He said, "What`s wrong with that?"
I replied, "The month's up tomorrow."
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Isn't it weird how some of the best F1 drivers share their names with places in Scotland ...
STIRLING Moss,
Eddie IRVINE,
Lewis HAMILTON,
AYR TOWN CENTRE
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I used to get told off in school assembly for miming during the hymns. Everyone else was singing 'Morning Has Broken' and I was pretending to be trapped in a glass box.
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My wife told me, "Sex is better on holiday."
Have to admit, it's not the best postcard, I've ever received.
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I'm reading a horror book written in Braille and something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
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Another wooden ball!
Would it kill the makers of avocados to include a different toy, like a mood ring or a novelty eraser?
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My Gran used to tell me that in the olden days she didn't worry about keeping her back door open.
What a slag.
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I used to hand Lego bricks to my blind friend and ask 'What does this say?'
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I met a transvestite from Manchester today.
He said he had a Wigan address.
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Due to a spelling error on my letter to Santa, I spent an awkward Christmas Day in 1966 with an man from Acton.
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I dont judge people by the colour of their skin.
Which is why so many of my patients die of jaundice.
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It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
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I went swimming earlier, and decided to take a sneaky pee at the deep end.
The lifeguard must have noticed as he blew his whistle so loudly I nearly fell in!
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My ‘To Do’ list for December
1. Buy 4 pigs.
2. Paint 1, 2, 3, & 5 on their backs.
3. Let them loose in Sainsbury's.
4. Sit back and watch security desperately search for number 4.
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A girl came up to me in a club last night, grabbed my crotch and said, "I haven't had one of those for over a month now."
I took her back to my place...
We started messing around...
We got undressed...
And that was when I noticed that she still had the scars from the operation...
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_________________
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

A woman doesn't want a man's opinion, they just want to hear their own opinion repeated back to them in a deeper voice.


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 Post subject: Re: Boundah Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2020 12:01 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 26, 2004
Posts: 3313
Location: At the cutting edge of cocking about
I just phoned the Tinnitus Helpline.
Bloody pointless, no one answered.
It just kept Ringing!
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I used to get told off in assembly for miming during the hymns. Everyone else was singing “Morning Has Broken” and I was pretending to be trapped in a glass box.
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Got some sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after just one indiscretion. The Board found out he slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.
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Mr. Wilkins lost his wife scuba diving while on holiday in Norfolk. He answered the door late in the evening one day to be greeted by two grim-faced policemen.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information regarding your wife."
"Well... tell me!" he demanded.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning off Cromer Pier."
"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Cromer crabs on her."
"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"
The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
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Q. Where did Noah keep his bees?
A. In the Ark hives.
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Next week is Diarrhoea Awareness Week
Runs until Friday
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My mate’s been arrested for illegally downloading the entire Encyclopaedia Britannica. He says he’s not worried - he can explain everything.
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Just spent £300 on a Limo and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver. I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
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I scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I don’t know what scared him more, that I was naked or that I knew where he lived.
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Police knocked on my door and said where were you between 4 and 6?
I said infant school.
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Just spent an hour by the wife's grave.
...
...
...
She still thinks it's going to be a pond!
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My local golf shop is selling all stock to stay in business. The putters, drivers and irons are all gone, but they’re not out of the woods yet.
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I paid £100 up front for a chippie to build me a double bed.
He's only gone and done a bunk! It's just one thing on top of another.
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The man who created hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat has died.

RIP Scott Chegg

_________________
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

A woman doesn't want a man's opinion, they just want to hear their own opinion repeated back to them in a deeper voice.


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