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Grumpier Old Men

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 Post subject: Re: Boundah Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Nov 19, 2019 6:09 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 26, 2004
Posts: 3343
Location: At the cutting edge of cocking about
The Barman said to me, "Why are you looking so sad?"
I said, "The wife and I had a massive row and she said that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
He said, "What`s wrong with that?"
I replied, "The month's up tomorrow."
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Isn't it weird how some of the best F1 drivers share their names with places in Scotland ...
STIRLING Moss,
Eddie IRVINE,
Lewis HAMILTON,
AYR TOWN CENTRE
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I used to get told off in school assembly for miming during the hymns. Everyone else was singing 'Morning Has Broken' and I was pretending to be trapped in a glass box.
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My wife told me, "Sex is better on holiday."
Have to admit, it's not the best postcard, I've ever received.
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I'm reading a horror book written in Braille and something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
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Another wooden ball!
Would it kill the makers of avocados to include a different toy, like a mood ring or a novelty eraser?
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My Gran used to tell me that in the olden days she didn't worry about keeping her back door open.
What a slag.
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I used to hand Lego bricks to my blind friend and ask 'What does this say?'
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I met a transvestite from Manchester today.
He said he had a Wigan address.
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Due to a spelling error on my letter to Santa, I spent an awkward Christmas Day in 1966 with an man from Acton.
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I dont judge people by the colour of their skin.
Which is why so many of my patients die of jaundice.
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It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
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I went swimming earlier, and decided to take a sneaky pee at the deep end.
The lifeguard must have noticed as he blew his whistle so loudly I nearly fell in!
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My ‘To Do’ list for December
1. Buy 4 pigs.
2. Paint 1, 2, 3, & 5 on their backs.
3. Let them loose in Sainsbury's.
4. Sit back and watch security desperately search for number 4.
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A girl came up to me in a club last night, grabbed my crotch and said, "I haven't had one of those for over a month now."
I took her back to my place...
We started messing around...
We got undressed...
And that was when I noticed that she still had the scars from the operation...
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

A woman doesn't want a man's opinion, they just want to hear their own opinion repeated back to them in a deeper voice.


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 Post subject: Re: Boundah Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2020 12:01 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 26, 2004
Posts: 3343
Location: At the cutting edge of cocking about
I just phoned the Tinnitus Helpline.
Bloody pointless, no one answered.
It just kept Ringing!
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I used to get told off in assembly for miming during the hymns. Everyone else was singing “Morning Has Broken” and I was pretending to be trapped in a glass box.
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Got some sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after just one indiscretion. The Board found out he slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.
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Mr. Wilkins lost his wife scuba diving while on holiday in Norfolk. He answered the door late in the evening one day to be greeted by two grim-faced policemen.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information regarding your wife."
"Well... tell me!" he demanded.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning off Cromer Pier."
"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Cromer crabs on her."
"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"
The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
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Q. Where did Noah keep his bees?
A. In the Ark hives.
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Next week is Diarrhoea Awareness Week
Runs until Friday
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My mate’s been arrested for illegally downloading the entire Encyclopaedia Britannica. He says he’s not worried - he can explain everything.
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Just spent £300 on a Limo and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver. I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
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I scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I don’t know what scared him more, that I was naked or that I knew where he lived.
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Police knocked on my door and said where were you between 4 and 6?
I said infant school.
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Just spent an hour by the wife's grave.
...
...
...
She still thinks it's going to be a pond!
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My local golf shop is selling all stock to stay in business. The putters, drivers and irons are all gone, but they’re not out of the woods yet.
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I paid £100 up front for a chippie to build me a double bed.
He's only gone and done a bunk! It's just one thing on top of another.
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The man who created hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat has died.

RIP Scott Chegg

_________________
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

A woman doesn't want a man's opinion, they just want to hear their own opinion repeated back to them in a deeper voice.


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 Post subject: Re: Boundah Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Sep 03, 2020 6:17 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 26, 2004
Posts: 3343
Location: At the cutting edge of cocking about
Two interesting facts about me...
1. My willie is about the same length as 2 Argos pencils.
2. I'm banned from Sainsbury's.
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Polce toay have sa they are nvestgatng a strng of ID thefts..
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My mate's Mrs. left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk and never came back! I asked him how he was coping and he said, "Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."
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Man walks into a bar, orders a Corona and 2 Hurricanes. Bartender says: “That’ll be £20.20”
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large black plastic bin-bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 note fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."

"Oh my!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thank you for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the policeman. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back garden is right next to the football stadium car park. On game days, a lot of fans come and widdle through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, very quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his willy through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, '£20 or off it comes.'"

"Well, that seems only fair," said the policeman, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
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It's my wife's birthday soon and she has been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house, so I've bought her a magazine rack.
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I cannot vouch for the authenticity but apparently these are genuine clips from council complaint letters:

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. ...and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
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I've ended up in A & E tonight after a bad accident in Tesco. A full display wall of Andrex bog rolls collapsed onto me and crushed me. I'm going to be OK: the doctor said it's just soft tissue damage.
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I went down to the Patent Office yesterday trying to register some of my inventions. I walked up to the main desk to sign in and the lady pulled out a form to fill out. She asked for my personal info, wrote it down and then asked me what I had invented. I said, 'A folding bottle.' She said, 'Okay. What do you call it?' 'A fottle.' 'What else do you have there?' 'A folding carton.' 'OK, what do you call it?' 'A farton.' She chuckled and said, 'Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds a bit crude.' I was so upset by her comment I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket...
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It's a sad day today.
The clothes horse that's been in our family for generations has broken

It's the end of an airer
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I bought a new thesaurus today but it's nothing to write house about.

_________________
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

A woman doesn't want a man's opinion, they just want to hear their own opinion repeated back to them in a deeper voice.


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 Post subject: Re: Boundah Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Sep 04, 2020 11:57 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 27, 2007
Posts: 1552
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