Boundah Jokes

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Boundah
Posts: 3582
Joined: Sun Dec 26, 2004 10:47 pm
Location: At the cutting edge of cocking about

Re: Boundah Jokes

Post by Boundah »

The Barman said to me, "Why are you looking so sad?"
I said, "The wife and I had a massive row and she said that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
He said, "What`s wrong with that?"
I replied, "The month's up tomorrow."
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Isn't it weird how some of the best F1 drivers share their names with places in Scotland ...
STIRLING Moss,
Eddie IRVINE,
Lewis HAMILTON,
AYR TOWN CENTRE
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I used to get told off in school assembly for miming during the hymns. Everyone else was singing 'Morning Has Broken' and I was pretending to be trapped in a glass box.
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My wife told me, "Sex is better on holiday."
Have to admit, it's not the best postcard, I've ever received.
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I'm reading a horror book written in Braille and something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
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Another wooden ball!
Would it kill the makers of avocados to include a different toy, like a mood ring or a novelty eraser?
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My Gran used to tell me that in the olden days she didn't worry about keeping her back door open.
What a slag.
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I used to hand Lego bricks to my blind friend and ask 'What does this say?'
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I met a transvestite from Manchester today.
He said he had a Wigan address.
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Due to a spelling error on my letter to Santa, I spent an awkward Christmas Day in 1966 with an man from Acton.
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I dont judge people by the colour of their skin.
Which is why so many of my patients die of jaundice.
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It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
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I went swimming earlier, and decided to take a sneaky pee at the deep end.
The lifeguard must have noticed as he blew his whistle so loudly I nearly fell in!
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My ‘To Do’ list for December
1. Buy 4 pigs.
2. Paint 1, 2, 3, & 5 on their backs.
3. Let them loose in Sainsbury's.
4. Sit back and watch security desperately search for number 4.
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A girl came up to me in a club last night, grabbed my crotch and said, "I haven't had one of those for over a month now."
I took her back to my place...
We started messing around...
We got undressed...
And that was when I noticed that she still had the scars from the operation...
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

A woman doesn't want a man's opinion, they just want to hear their own opinion repeated back to them in a deeper voice.
User avatar
Boundah
Posts: 3582
Joined: Sun Dec 26, 2004 10:47 pm
Location: At the cutting edge of cocking about

Re: Boundah Jokes

Post by Boundah »

I just phoned the Tinnitus Helpline.
Bloody pointless, no one answered.
It just kept Ringing!
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I used to get told off in assembly for miming during the hymns. Everyone else was singing “Morning Has Broken” and I was pretending to be trapped in a glass box.
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Got some sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after just one indiscretion. The Board found out he slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.
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Mr. Wilkins lost his wife scuba diving while on holiday in Norfolk. He answered the door late in the evening one day to be greeted by two grim-faced policemen.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information regarding your wife."
"Well... tell me!" he demanded.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning off Cromer Pier."
"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Cromer crabs on her."
"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"
The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
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Q. Where did Noah keep his bees?
A. In the Ark hives.
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Next week is Diarrhoea Awareness Week
Runs until Friday
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My mate’s been arrested for illegally downloading the entire Encyclopaedia Britannica. He says he’s not worried - he can explain everything.
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Just spent £300 on a Limo and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver. I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
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I scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I don’t know what scared him more, that I was naked or that I knew where he lived.
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Police knocked on my door and said where were you between 4 and 6?
I said infant school.
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Just spent an hour by the wife's grave.
...
...
...
She still thinks it's going to be a pond!
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My local golf shop is selling all stock to stay in business. The putters, drivers and irons are all gone, but they’re not out of the woods yet.
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I paid £100 up front for a chippie to build me a double bed.
He's only gone and done a bunk! It's just one thing on top of another.
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The man who created hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat has died.

RIP Scott Chegg
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

A woman doesn't want a man's opinion, they just want to hear their own opinion repeated back to them in a deeper voice.
User avatar
Boundah
Posts: 3582
Joined: Sun Dec 26, 2004 10:47 pm
Location: At the cutting edge of cocking about

Re: Boundah Jokes

Post by Boundah »

Two interesting facts about me...
1. My willie is about the same length as 2 Argos pencils.
2. I'm banned from Sainsbury's.
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Polce toay have sa they are nvestgatng a strng of ID thefts..
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My mate's Mrs. left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk and never came back! I asked him how he was coping and he said, "Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."
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Man walks into a bar, orders a Corona and 2 Hurricanes. Bartender says: “That’ll be £20.20”
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large black plastic bin-bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 note fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."

"Oh my!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thank you for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the policeman. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back garden is right next to the football stadium car park. On game days, a lot of fans come and widdle through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, very quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his willy through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, '£20 or off it comes.'"

"Well, that seems only fair," said the policeman, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
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It's my wife's birthday soon and she has been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house, so I've bought her a magazine rack.
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I cannot vouch for the authenticity but apparently these are genuine clips from council complaint letters:

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. ...and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
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I've ended up in A & E tonight after a bad accident in Tesco. A full display wall of Andrex bog rolls collapsed onto me and crushed me. I'm going to be OK: the doctor said it's just soft tissue damage.
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I went down to the Patent Office yesterday trying to register some of my inventions. I walked up to the main desk to sign in and the lady pulled out a form to fill out. She asked for my personal info, wrote it down and then asked me what I had invented. I said, 'A folding bottle.' She said, 'Okay. What do you call it?' 'A fottle.' 'What else do you have there?' 'A folding carton.' 'OK, what do you call it?' 'A farton.' She chuckled and said, 'Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds a bit crude.' I was so upset by her comment I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket...
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It's a sad day today.
The clothes horse that's been in our family for generations has broken

It's the end of an airer
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I bought a new thesaurus today but it's nothing to write house about.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

A woman doesn't want a man's opinion, they just want to hear their own opinion repeated back to them in a deeper voice.
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DramaQueen
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Re: Boundah Jokes

Post by DramaQueen »

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I'm in recovery - again.
User avatar
Boundah
Posts: 3582
Joined: Sun Dec 26, 2004 10:47 pm
Location: At the cutting edge of cocking about

Re: Boundah Jokes

Post by Boundah »

Went to a fancy dress shop the other day to get a vampire costume for a party and the girl behind the counter gave me an Arsenal shirt. I said, "Sorry love, you mis-heard me. I said I want to look like a count"
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There is a massive traffic jam on the M5. Nothing is moving. All a driver can do is relax and turn on the radio. Suddenly a man approaches and knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks "What's going on?"
Terrorists have stormed parliament, captured all our MPs and are demanding a 10 million pound ransom otherwise they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. The man continues, "We are going from car to car taking up a collection."
The driver asks "How much is everyone giving?"
The man replies, "About a gallon or so."
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I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted - “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said, "That's gonna be a bit awkward innit?"
"Not really", he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive prick."
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Doctor talking to his patient...

Doctor: "I'm sorry to tell you you have cancer and your life expectancy is 10."
Patient: "10 what? Years...? Months...? Weeks...?"
Doctor: "9... 8... 7... 6..."
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I've just put all my dogging paraphernalia up for sale on Ebay.
Haven't had any bids so far but 12 people are watching.
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I spent last night defrosting the fridge... Or foreplay as she likes to call it.
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A girl came up to me in a pub last night, grabbed my crotch and said, "I haven't had one of those for nearly six months."
I took her back to my place...
We started messing around...
We got undressed...
And that was when I noticed that she still had the scars from the operation...
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Remember that girl from school who said she would only go out with you if the world was coming to an end. Now might be a good time to call her.
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My friend's daughter ran away from their family home in Hull when she was only fifteen.
After three years of searching, he found her sleeping rough, covered in cardboard and newspaper, on the streets of London.
As they hugged each other, with tears running down their faces, he said, "My God, lass, thou's done well for theeself!"
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A bloke walking across a bridge in London gets stopped by the police:
Police: Where you from?
Bloke: Southall.
Police: Where you going?
Bloke: Vauxhall.
Police: What's in yer hand?
Bloke: Holdall.
Police: What's innit?
Bloke: Nuffin!
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A nurse finishes an exhausting 20 hour shift but has to pay some money into her bank account on the way home.
In the bank she pulls an anal thermometer out of her pocket and starts to fill out the paying-in slip.
She looks up at the cashier, sighs, and says, "That's great! Sums up my day that! Some arseh0le's got my pen!!!"
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A woman put her dear father into a care home and handed him over to the matron. "We'll be in tomorrow dad", his daughter said.
The matron keeps an eye on him for the next few hours. He seemed fine until he suddenly tilted over to the right. The matron rushed over and straightened him up. A few hours later he started tilting to the left and, again, the matron immediately straightened him up.
The next day the daughter arrived and asked him, "Are you OK here, dad?" .
"It's fine." he said, "but they won't let me fart."
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How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Is it 1 or is it 2?
Is it 1 or is it 2?
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The wife said if you're bored why don’t you make a bird table?
Now she’s kicking off because I put her in fifth place.
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I had a spanner disappear from my car. Then the next day a hammer and some chisels went missing.
I went to the police station.
"Someone is stealing my stuff!"
"No sir, your car is a two litre."
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Members of the British Armed Forces are asked what they would do if they found a scorpion in their tent.
The Soldier said he would stamp on it with his boot.
The Royal Marine said he'd skewer it with his bayonet.
The Airman said, "Why is there a tent in my hotel room?"
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

A woman doesn't want a man's opinion, they just want to hear their own opinion repeated back to them in a deeper voice.
User avatar
DramaQueen
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Joined: Mon Aug 27, 2007 11:12 am

Re: Boundah Jokes

Post by DramaQueen »

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I'm in recovery - again.
User avatar
Boundah
Posts: 3582
Joined: Sun Dec 26, 2004 10:47 pm
Location: At the cutting edge of cocking about

Re: Boundah Jokes

Post by Boundah »

The Norwegian Navy now puts barcodes on the sides of their ships so that, when they get back to port, the harbourmaster can Scandinavian.
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I went to a pet shop for a dozen bees but the shopkeeper gave me 13.
I mentioned it to him and he said the last one was a freebie.
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How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a BULTHGLIB?
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It's illegal to walk sheepdogs on 30th August this year because it's a ban collie day.
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I’ve just got back from the hospital. They reckon I might have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis but it's hard to say.
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I caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him. He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
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My neighbour told me he was too scared to plant an apple tree.
I told him to grow a pear.
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I can't remember how to write 1,100,51,6 and 500 in Roman Numerals
IM LIVID
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My mate dislocated his shoulder when he tripped and fell into a vat of invisible ink.
He’s in the hospital right now waiting to be seen.
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I've worked at the Swizzels factory for 20 years now, but lately I've been having trouble remembering how to make those fizzy lemon chew bars.
They're sending me on a Refresher course ...
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H.G.Wells walked into a library and asked for a book on Time Travel. "Sod off," said the librarian, "you didn't bring it back!"
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Q. Why should you never buy Ukrainian underpants?
A. Chernobyl fallout
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People call me self-centered...
But that’s enough about them.
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When I was at school my teacher said to me why don’t you tell the class something you’re not very good at that starts with letter N
I said spelling!
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Yorkshire Police have had all their Sat Navs stolen. All Officers are looking for Leeds
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I was disappointed this afternoon. My wife told me my 6-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
Then she told me I need to pay more attention on the school run.
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Give a person a fish and you will feed them for a day.
Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
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I joined our neighborhood watch program last night.
There are 30 of us in my street though so I only get to wear it one day a month.
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Are Geordies confused because 'Aldi' isn't open 24 hours a day?
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Police have just announced that the man stealing t-shirts in order of size is still at large.
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4 Canal Street...
Not the best address for a Tourette's clinic.
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In the library yesterday:
Me: Do you have the new book on the latest research on constipation?
Librarian: It hasn't come out yet.
Me: Yeah that's the one!
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Just wondering, does anyone remember the chiropractor joke I put on here about a week back?
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Two men walk into a bar. The first guy says he wants some H2O.
The second guy says he wants some H2O too.
The second guy died.
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I used to date an air hostess from Helsinki. I dropped her off at work one day and she vanished into Finnair ...
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A lorry carrying a consignment of bread making ingredients shed its load on the M4 this morning.
The police are advising motorists to avoid the yeast bound carriageway.
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I had my leg X-rayed today.
The Doctor said: "your Patella measures 2.54cm".
I said "inch high knees" ?
He said "哦哎也屋2.54惡誒".
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If you eat local honey it is supposed to boost your immune system. Does that mean if you drink local ale you don't get so pissed?
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My wife just nudged me and said "You weren't even listening, were you?"
I thought, 'That's a strange way to start a conversation ...'
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Nice touch having Prince Phillip taken to the church on the back of a Land Rover.
I wonder if they’ll have Prince Andrew buried in a 15 year old Escort or would any old banger do?
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I recently bought a vinyl album called 'Wasp Noises', But when I played the first track it didn't sound like a wasp and the second track didn't sound like a wasp either. Then I realised I was playing the B-side ...
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I went for a job on the building site.
The gaffer said, “Can you make tea?”
I said, “Yes.”
He said, “Can you drive a forklift?”
I said, “How big's the fecking tea pot”!
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"Would you like the ox tongue Madam?"
"No thank you waiter. I can't abide the thought of eating anything that's been in an animal's mouth. I'll just have an omelette."
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I keep getting messages off a guy called Buster, he keeps sending me glam rock video's from the seventies, but is now becoming rather annoying.
I haven't got a clue what to do. Does anyone know a way... there's got to be a way... to block Buster.
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I was down my local some time back and I ordered 5 pints, each with a whiskey chaser.
I started drinking them one after another when the Barman said, " Blimey, you`re knocking them back quickly tonight". I replied, " You would too if you got what I have".
With a look of concern on his face he then said," What have you got?.
I replied, "50p ".
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I am definitely getting old.
I noticed another grey pubic hair this morning.
But you know what...
I'm okay with that...
I didn't freak out ...
Not like the other people waiting at the bus stop!
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I spent an hour at the mother-in-law's grave today.
She still thinks I’m digging a pond.
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Had to go for my eye test this morning. Got told I'd gone colour blind. That came like a bolt out of the orange.
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During sex I stopped all of a sudden and didn't move.
She said, "What the hell are you doing?"
I said, "I've seen this on PornHub It's called 'Buffering'."
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I’m looking for a book on how to repair automatic gearboxes. I’ve tried the local library but they only have manuals.
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William Shatner, AKA Captain Kirk from Star Trek, has announced that his new line in women's underwear has been a resounding failure.
He said that in hindsight, "Shatner Knickers" probably wasn't the best name for the venture.
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I met my wife at a singles club, which was a bit of a surprise, she told me she was going to her mother's.
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A man staggers into A&E with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man.
"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cowfield.
"We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at it's rear-end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's ar$e."
"That's when I made my big mistake. I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that!"
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

A woman doesn't want a man's opinion, they just want to hear their own opinion repeated back to them in a deeper voice.
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