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Grumpier Old Men

"I don't believe it !" - Victor M.
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 18, 2018 9:58 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jan 05, 2005
Posts: 8349
Location: West Cornwall, near the pasty mines.
*** Swansea Earthquake Appeal - please read ***

A major earthquake measuring 4.7 on the Richter scale hit Swansea @ 14:31, Sat Feb 17th 2018 with it's epicenter near Townhill.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering 'faaackinell'.

The earthquake decimated the area causing almost £30.00 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken before their gyro's arrived.

Local radio DJ, Andy Badger Miles from 'The Wave' and his giggling friend Emma, reported that hundreds of resident's were trying to come to terms that the fact that something interesting had happened in Swansea.

One resident, Tracy Lloyd, a 15-year old mother of 5 said, 'It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all because they had a skinfull earlier that night. I'm not gonna lie to ewe, I was still shaking an hour later whilst attempting to skin up and watch The Jeremy Kyle show.

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has managed to ship 4,000 crates of lager and sunny delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and bone china from the Poundshop.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items needed most include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Knappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), shell suits (female) White sports socks, Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Tesco's or Asda.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream, cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.

£2.50 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy drink for a family of 9.

£5.00 buys a packet of B&H off Bryn down the road, over by there like, to calm the nerves of those affected, although they do ruin ewe chest the following day mush.

£10.00 buys a wrap of crack to help those really disturbed.

***BREAKING NEWS***

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop, 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked 'I'm from Townhill Mush!' said the girl, 'wossit got to do wiv you en?!'

_________________
When my life is over And my time has come to pass
I want to be buried upside down So the world can Kiss my Arse.


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